


conversations Chris absolutely related to Yuuri at his wedding reception, in front of god and everyone

by opalish



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, M/M, Mari has regrets, Post-Canon, Poster Reveal, So much Innuendo, Yurio's Crush on Yuuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-13 21:05:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11193411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opalish/pseuds/opalish
Summary: Look, he's earned this.





	1. Chapter 1

“Christophe. Chris _._ I don't know what to do.”

“Victor? It's four in the morning.  I've been asleep for two hours and my alarm goes off at six. This better be an emergency.”

“You don't understand. Nudity has failed me.”

That _was_ an emergency.  A major one.  Chris sat bolt upright, struggling to contain his alarm.

His long-suffering boyfriend, bless his heart, didn't even stir as Chris slid out of bed, striding quickly into the hall.  “Impossible," he hissed before the door had even finished closing behind him.  "Nudity never fails us.”

“I know!” Victor wailed. “The foundations of my world are crumbling, Chris. 'When in doubt, get naked'.”

“Words to live by,” Chris said sagely.

“Yes, until now! Chris, he _screamed_.”

“...Who?”

“Yuuri Katsuki! The light of my life, the fire of my loins—”

“Wait. I'm confused.  On _several_ levels.”

“Right? He's clearly a fan, I could see it in his skating from the start, and I don't think there's any doubt he's attracted to me.”

“Yeah, he made that...pretty clear at the banquet.”

“So why didn't he rip his clothes off and jump me? I was _naked_ , Chris. And wet! I look particularly good naked and wet, you know that.”

“You speak the absolute truth.”

“And I even told him I was there to be his coach! I _flourished_ , Chris. Not just the wink-and-smile routine, either, but a real flourish. It was Victor Nikiforov Fan Fantasy _gold_. And yet.”

“ _Did you just say you offered to be his coach.”_

“Not the point.”

_“_ Are you _in Japan?”_ Chris demanded, reeling. “Are you saying the rumors are actually true?”

“None of that is important right now, Chris. Nudity failed me. _Me_.”

Chris was still astonished by that, of course, but slightly less incredulous now that he knew just what Victor was up against—or, well, apparently _not_ up against, much to Victor's sorrow. Yuuri Katsuki wasn't exactly the most social man alive. At least not when he wasn't out of his mind on champagne and regret.

More important than any of that, though, was the fact that _Victor was in Japan._

“I'm...sure he was just surprised. Honestly, right now I can relate. Have you lost your mind?”

“Chris. You're not helping.”

“I really don't know what to say, Victor. Maybe the flourish was too much for him.”

“Oh. Oh! That makes sense. Nudity didn't fail me at all; he was just overwhelmed. I _am_ in excellent shape. Ah, Yuuri's so soft and squishy right now, I just want to grab on and—”

_“Victor.”_

 

* * *

 

“Wow,” Mari deadpanned, glancing between an obviously self-satisfied Christophe and her brother's new husband. “Amazing.” 

"It _was_ the flourish, of course," Victor said, unashamed.  "Right, Yuuri?"

“Oh my God,” Phichit said gleefully, phone recording every last word.  Yuuri covered his face with his hands.

"Yuuri?  It _was_ the flourish, wasn't it?  You do like my naked body, don't you?"

"Shut your mouth, Katsudon," Yuri snarled.  "I will destroy you and everything you love if you answer that in front of me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> victor never said the word 'loins'; chris is a dirty editorializer.
> 
> WAS it the flourish??


	2. A Very Mari Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris isn't the only one who's earned this.

"I have something to share, too," Mari said, during a brief pause in Chris' speech. Yuuri wasn't sure whether to be relieved or terrified, and settled for leaning forward until his head hit the table. Victor moved his plate out of the way of his face, then back into place when Yuuri reluctantly straightened back up. He was already a fantastic husband; it was too bad Yuuri would probably be locked away shortly for murder-suicide. He _knew_ that look in Mari's eyes.

"By all means," Chris said generously. "I can pick up where I left off."

"Do you have to?" Yurio groaned. Yurio was Yuuri's favorite.

Mari raised an eyebrow, but it was impossible to tell just who she was judging. Probably not Yurio, but everyone else was fair game.

"Right. Well, I was always gonna give this to Yuuri as a wedding present, if he got married. It's even better now that he's with Victor." And then she reached under the table, and pulled out a...framed poster.  A small but very visible framed poster.

A poster she'd clearly made from a photo of Yuuri's room, at some point before Victor first came to Hasetsu.

A photo of _all his Victor Nikiforov posters_ , still hanging in their rightful spaces on his walls.

"Ooooh my Gooood," Yuuri whined under his breath. _I'm so sorry, Victor_ , he thought wildly. _You're far too young to be a widower, but this is the end for me._

"Yuuri," Victor breathed. "Does this mean I can show you my wall of posters? Without you moving back in with your parents?"

What.

"What," Mari echoed flatly.

"IT'S A NATURAL AND BEAUTIFUL THING," Yurio sputtered, red-faced, at the same time Minami yelled, in rather stilted English,

"It's about motivation! Inspiration! Appreciation!"  He took a defiant bite of his salmon in emphasis.

Yuuri...didn't want to notice the way Yurio looked everywhere but at him. He especially didn't want to notice the way Minami looked _directly_ at him.

"Anya took all the posters I had of her when she left," Georgi told Mila bravely.

"Well, _yeah_ ," Mila said, blinking.  Yakov glared, and she coughed and added, "I mean.  How terrible."

"Oh, it's not just me?" Guang Hong asked, looking deeply relieved as several of the skaters in the room smiled at him reassuringly.  Yuuri didn't join in, because he was too busy trying to become one with his sturdy mahogany chair.  It wouldn't be difficult; they were both clearly stained by their pasts.  “I was a little worried.”

"Right there with you, buddy," Leo said, patting him on the shoulder.

"Where do you even keep a wall of posters?" Yuuri demanded, as Guang Hong and Leo bonded over their extensive Phichit collections.  Phichit was too busy liveblogging the reception to be flattered; Yuuri's phone was pinging with update after update marked #victuuriwedding #icannoteven #SCANDALOUS #wow!!! from his account.  "Victor, I've lived with you for months now, I would've seen it somewhere in your apartment."

"I rent a space," Victor said, unconcerned. "It's actually four walls of posters: one wall of you, one wall of us, one wall of us with Yurio. And then there's one whole wall of just group shots." He sounded like he personally thought that was a major concession on his part.

Yurio's head snapped up, somehow picking up on Victor saying his name even through all the tumult.  “Leave me out of your weird Katsudon shrine,” he snapped in Russian.

“But Yurochka, does that mean I should stop buying you Katsuki posters?” his grandfather asked worriedly; Yuuri resolved to spend the rest of his life pretending he didn't know any Russian at all.  What was Russian?  What was Russia?  A country?  His new home?  Nonsense, he lived in the sovereign state of Denial; he spoke only the national language, Nope.

“NO.” Yurio yelped, then glared at Yuuri like it was his fault this was happening.  "You didn't hear any of that."

"I know nothing, I hear nothing," Yuuri muttered.  He was one with his chair.

"...Is there Yuuri merchandise in your creepy room?" Mari asked, with the look of someone who couldn't turn away from a train wreck even though they definitely knew better than to keep watching.  Yuuri saw Phichit's head snap up and his phone swing over.

"So much Yuuri merchandise," Victor agreed happily, actually turning to wink at Phichit's smartphone.  Phichit shot him a thumbs-up.

"I have merchandise?" Yuuri wondered, incredulous. Minami proceeded to inform him, in detail, of every Yuuri Katsuki body pillow currently available on the market; Yuuri closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see Victor and Yurio taking notes.

"Like little Minami there said before," Chris told Mari, lips twitching. "It's about motivation. I used to...motivate myself with posters of my favorite skaters all the time."

"Used to?" Mari asked, and then her entire face shut down, like she realized she'd actually encouraged Chris to expand upon his, ah, motivation habits, and wasn't sure how to come to terms with herself as a person anymore.

"Mmm, well, now I have my boyfriend to _motivate_ me instead," Chris said with a wink. "Sometimes several times a day." Chris' boyfriend sighed and stared at the ceiling, but Yuuri saw his lips twitch.

"It's perfectly normal," Michele added stubbornly. "I have a number of posters of Sara on my wall."

"SHUT UP," Yurio howled.  "That is _not normal._ "

"For motivation, not ' _motivation'_ ," Sara quickly informed Seung-gil, who very clearly did not care and was probably regretting the fact that he knew any of them.  Emil chuckled; sometimes Yuuri really had to wonder about him.

"My bedroom is covered in posters of me," JJ told them all.  Yuuri couldn't find it in himself to be surprised.  "Only a king can inspire a king! It's—"

"Don't, sweetheart," Isballa said, covering JJ's mouth. "We don't want to be a part of this conversation. Chris is here; inspire no longer means inspire."  JJ's forehead crinkled in confusion until Isabella leaned over to whisper something in his ear; he went white, then red, then stared around at his colleagues with new eyes.  New, terrified eyes.

"I don't understand any of this," Axel complained loudly to her mother.

"Ask your father," Yuuko said quickly, passing the parental buck like a true champion.  Three tiny heads swiveled towards their father in an eerily synchronized and oddly predatory motion.  Nishigori wasn't fluent in English and probably only understood some of what was happening, but he had sharp enough instincts to look suddenly worried.  Yuuri resolved to send them a formal apology at the earliest possible opportunity, and then never show his face around them again.

"You mean," Guang Hong said to Leo, wide-eyed, "that you have posters of me, too?  I was...I have half a dozen of you!  I had to make some of them myself."

Leo blushed, starry-eyed.  Yuuri was glad someone was finding love at his wedding; he was finding only pain.  He reached blindly for another glass of champagne--Mari's, she obviously no longer deserved it--and knocked it back in one long gulp.  Victor pecked him on the cheek and Yuuri supposed he could stand to live a little longer.

Mari stared out at the crowd of chatting skaters and the larger crowd of scandalized Russian and Japanese friends and relatives, hand clenching around thin air when she went for her champagne.  Undeterred, she grabbed at the bottle instead. 

"Did I just...accidentally normalize stalker walls?" she asked no one in particular.

"I don't feel normalized," Yuuri assured her, because she'd definitely brought this on herself but she also looked thoroughly traumatized. He was deeply grateful that their parents didn't speak English nearly well enough to know what was going on; his mom and dad just beamed as Victor leaned over to show them a picture on his phone of—was that a Yuuri Katsuki Eros Figurine? Why did that exist? Who thought that was a good idea? Was that...did that actually say 'now with lip-licking action'?  How?  _Why?_

Yuuri's father nodded awkwardly and offered Victor an indulgent smile. Yuuri's mother chuckled and informed Victor, carefully and slowly so he could understand, that she was so glad he'd come into their lives. “I haven't laughed so much since I was a girl,” she said, pressing her hands to her cheeks.

"Could we have saved my brother from this if we'd made him stick with ballet?" Mari asked Minako, a bit wild-eyed.  She took a swig from the bottle, and then proved she wasn't entirely awful by passing it immediately to Yuuri.

Minako stared at her for a long moment and then burst into loud, mocking laughter. "Lilia, did you hear that? Did you?" she shouted.  "This girl, she thinks ballet might have _spared_ her brother!"

"Oh, you sweet naive child," Lilia told Mari, eyes marginally softer than usual.  No one had ever, ever used those words to describe Mari before, but no one was going to tell Lilia Baranovskaya she was wrong, either.

Mari collapsed back into her seat, tossing her gag gift to the floor with a dramatic sigh worthy of a figure skater. "I give up.  You win, little brother."

"I have my doubts," Yuuri said, wiping his mouth.  Then Victor leaned against his shoulder and he had to agree that yes, yes, he'd absolutely won.

Victor, as it turned out, was just using his shoulder to balance himself as he reached to snag Mari's gift from the ground.

"Yuuri,” Victor said, studying the picture like it was an original Hokusai.  Up close, Yuuri realized the poster was actually a collage of several photos of his room walls; he couldn't help but feel a little vindictive satisfaction that Mari had spent so much time making it only to wind up regretting everything even more than he did. “You still have all those posters, right? I can clear out some space in the room for them when we go back to St Petersburg.  It can be a wedding present!"

Yuuri paused, considering. Mari groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this mess is actually two separate cracky series i've been writing, smushed together--chris conversations, and another titled 'deeply unnecessary speeches at yuuri and victor's wedding'. that probably tells you all you need to know about where this story is going. 
> 
> spoiler: nowhere. it is going nowhere.


	3. Chris has doubts

“Victor! Two calls in less than two days? I'm honored.”

“I said we should sleep together and he shut the door in my face. He keeps running away whenever I touch him.  He even refuses to give me a bullet-point list of his previous romantic and sexual partners, complete with the pros and cons of each.  What am I doing wrong?”

Chris...had questions.  Many questions, none of which he was actually prepared to ask.

“Victor. I told you after the banquet that Drunk Party Yuuri isn't Normal Yuuri. I'm as surprised as you that nudity failed—”

“It didn't fail, he was _overwhelmed._ We established that earlier. The flourish was too much.”

“Of course. Obviously. The flourish.”

“ _Chris._ ”

Chris sighed, shaking his head at his entirely-too-amused boyfriend.  “I know this is unprecedented, and frankly I'm also struggling with the concept, but maybe he's simply...not ready to jump into bed with you.”

"But...it's me."

"I know, I know.  I told you, I don't understand it either."

"Am I aging that quickly?  But I just measured my forehead and my hairline's still acceptable!  Chris, you'd tell me if I suddenly took a turn for the hideous, right?"

"Don't be ridiculous, I'd absolutely lie to your face.  You gorgeous hunk of man."  Chris' boyfriend raised an eyebrow; Chris shrugged helplessly.

"...Thank you."

"Victor.  Just try talking to him, okay?  And not about...bullet-point lists."

“Give me some credit, Chris.  I did try talking!”

“Uh- _huh_. Were you naked and/or touching him at the time?”

“...Are you saying I should seduce him by wearing clothes and touching him _less?_ ”

“Are you there to coach him or sleep with him, Victor?”

“I multitask!”

“Since _when?_ ” Chris asked, laughing out loud. _“_ I've never in my life met anyone as obsessively focused as you, Victor. And I'm telling you this out of love.”

_“Rude.”_

Chris rolled his eyes when Victor hung up on him.

“Best friend emergency?” his loving, saintly boyfriend asked, with more genuine concern than Chris privately thought Victor currently deserved.

“Something like that,” he sighed. “He's making a mistake--leaving Russia, taking the season off. Everyone in the world knows it. Even he probably knows it.  Skating is his life.”

“But...?”

Chris smiled reluctantly. “I'm not sure I've ever heard him sound so...uncertain before. And he's been distracted, lately.  Sometimes I wonder if he's bored.”

“Nothing like an extended international booty call to shake things up, huh?”

“And what a booty,” Chris said admiringly. “Who knew?”

“Christophe, when we first met you gave me extensive ratings on all your favorite colleagues' asses. Including Yuuri Katsuki's. _You_ knew.”

“My love. You saw the banquet photos. You saw the _video._ I thought I knew, but I didn't.”

“...You may have a point.”

 

* * *

 

Chris' boyfriend did everything in his power to not make eye contact with either groom.  Yuuri tried to look like he wasn't twisting around in his chair to evaluate his own butt, and Victor tried to look like he wasn't rearranging his hair to thoroughly mask his hairline.

Minako hooted, because Minako was awful.

“Kill me now,” Yurio moaned, gray-faced.  Yuuko patted him comfortingly on the back.

“I...really don't need to be hearing any of this,” Mari said. “Our parents are here. _They_ don't need to hear this.”

“This is gold,” Phichit whispered. _“Gold.”_

“Purely out of curiosity,” Yuuko said innocently, still absently patting Yurio's shoulder, “can I hear more about these ratings?”

“I have a chart,” Chris assured her. “I'll send it to you later.  For science.”

"For science," Yuuko agreed with a bright smile.  Yuuri wasn't sure he'd ever seen Yurio look so betrayed.

 

* * *

 

For a short while, Chris had peace.  And then:

“Chris. _Chris. Yuuri's_ the pork cutlet!”

“I have literally no idea what you're saying right now. Are you drunk? Without me? I'm hurt.”

“Entirely sober. I thought he meant he'd be picturing katsudon—seducing the katsudon—but he meant _he's the katsudon_. And he wants me to devour him!”

“I... Well. I'm completely lost, but...congratulations.  Or possibly 'ew'.  I can't really tell.”

“So eros,” Victor sighed rapturously.

“Whatever you say, my friend.”

 

* * *

 

“I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT,” Yurio said, shuddering. _“Oh my God.”_

“The world must know,” Phichit breathed, hands shaking slightly around his phone. “And I will be the one to show them.”

Celestino glanced from Phichit's phone to Yuuri's wilted form at the front of the hall.  “Maybe wait to post the videos until Yuuri looks less like he wants to die,” he suggested delicately.

“Sure, sure,” Phichit agreed, utterly unconvincing.

“Well, I can never eat katsudon again,” Mari complained. “Great. Thanks, Yuuri.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mila has an undercut. yurio's cat is named puma tiger scorpion. victor mostly went to japan to answer yuuri's 'hot love call'. only one of these things is currently relevant to this fic BUT THEY ARE ALL GOLD.


	4. Phichit Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is so stupid,” Yurio groaned. “Why is this whole wedding so stupid?"

Phichit stood, and like they were two ends of some kind of bizarre friendship seesaw, Yuuri immediately tried to slide under the table. Victor caught him by the shoulder and pulled him most of the way back up, because Victor was either heartless or simply unaware of what was about to happen.

Phichit looked happy and sincere and innocent. This would not end well.

“Chris, if you don't mind?" Phichit asked.

"By all means, go ahead," Chris said with a smile and a wink.  "I'm not the only best friend here."

"Just definitely the worst person," Yurio grumbled.  Chris shrugged.

"Ah, it's good to see so many people here to celebrate Yuuri finding love,” Phichit said, smiling, and Yuuri heard _yessss a full audience for my best friend's humiliation._ “It's amazing—he's an inspiration! Marrying his childhood hero! Who even does that?”

He laughed, and because he was Phichit, the world laughed with him. Even Yuuri was tempted. Phichit, he realized with a pang of fear, had gained far too much power over the years.

“Now, more seriously,” Phichit added, straightening, “I need to keep a promise.”

...What?

“A few years ago, something amazing happened. Something I swore I would show the world at Yuuri's wedding.” Phichit continued, nodding to—Leo? Who was...oh no. Oh no.

The reception hall had, on a wall near the dance floor, an enormous screen. Until now, it'd been playing endless videos of Victor and Yuuri skating throughout the years, with occasional clips of some of their friends (including a touching montage of every skater at the wedding hitting the ice during various competitions--set to Tubthumping, of course.  In not unrelated news, Victor and Phichit were no longer allowed to spend time together unattended).

Leo fiddled with the system, and the screen went ominously blank.  Yuuri shivered.

But...what was Phichit talking about? Yuuri couldn't recall a promise like--

The screen lit up with a shaky video of the rink in Detroit. Yuuri could make out several of his rinkmates, giggling and nudging each other, as well as...the hockey team? And some of his old Civics classmates?

Oh. Oh no.

“Phichit, don't you _dare—_ ” Yuuri hissed, but it was too late, too late.

 

* * *

 

This, Yuuri thought dourly, was entirely Drunk Yuuri's fault, and it was unfair that Sober Yuuri should have to pay for his mistakes.  Drunk Yuuri only ever left Sober Yuuri with chaos and regret and missing underwear.

It was a stupid bet, anyway. Who even wanted to see something like this? Aside from, apparently, the captain of the hockey team, the _rest_ of the hockey team, all of Yuuri's rinkmates, several of his Civics classmates, and...was that Celestino?

Oh _no_.  Celestino was _smiling_.  Yuuri was never going to live this down.  Celestino would try to turn this into an exhibition skate, Yuuri would cave like he always did with Celestino, and then he would be forced to throw himself into the nearest ocean and surrender himself to a watery grave.

Yuuri sighed, almost too annoyed and incredulous to be more than perfunctorily anxious, and shrugged off his coat. The rink immediately filled with catcalls and wolf-whistles.

Maybe he wouldn't wait until he was near an ocean.  He could surrender himself to a watery grave in his bathtub, right?

He'd had to borrow thick nylons, because no way was he skating with bare legs, not even for the sake of movie accuracy. And he was wearing black boxer briefs, not tighty-whiteys, because he was not buying new underwear for the stupidest routine in his repertoire.

But Phichit had come up with a pink oxford shirt, only letting him button half of it and making sure the collar was popped, and one of the hockey players passed over a candlestick once Yuuri was on the ice.  Yuuri stared down at it dolefully, then handed over his skate guards and glided out to the center of the rink.

He took a deep breath, lowered his head and cocked a hip, lifted the candlestick to his lips like a microphone—and as Old Time Rock and Roll filled the rink, he launched himself into the routine Drunk Yuuri should never, ever, ever have mentioned to a room full of total assholes.

 

* * *

 

“Why the hell do you do all that artsy bullshit when you can be almost cool sometimes?” Yurio demanded.

Yuuri...honestly wasn't sure how to take that.

"And why are you practically half naked?" Yurio pressed, upper lip curled.  Which was pretty rich, coming from Mister Welcome-to-the-Stripping himself.  "What's with the candlestick?  Is that from a movie or something?  Either way it's weird.  Cool but weird."

Yuuri sighed and turned back to the video.  He was too young to feel this old.

 

* * *

 

The torture didn't end with the routine, of course. No, Phichit continued recording as Yuuri skated back to the barrier, red-faced and wearing a reluctant smile. The hockey team was screaming, Celestino was laughing, and his classmates were wide-eyed.

Phichit, still filming, called out, “This is going right on my Instagram!”

Yuuri whipped around so fast it was a little amazing he didn't lose his balance. “What? No! No, Phichit, seriously—”

“Yuuri, don't do this to me,” Phichit pleaded, the effect ruined by the badly hidden laughter in his voice. “You can't get all sexy like that and then ask me to not show everyone.”

“Hear, hear,” the captain of the hockey team called out.  Yuuri really didn't understand his sense of humor.

“It was a good routine,” Celestino added, lips twitching but his tone sincere.

“No,” Yuuri said, frowning.

“So harsh,” Phichit sighed. “Well, I can't just bury this. It'd be a crime, Yuuri. Either I post it now or I'm playing it at your funeral."

"You wouldn't," Yuuri said, certain.  "You don't want me to become a funeral meme, Phichit."

Phichit considered that, then nodded reluctantly.  "Fine, then, not your funeral.  Your wedding.  In front of your _entire family._ ”

“You're so sure you'll be invited,” Yuuri said dryly.

“Obviously. Best man!” Phichit said, unfazed. “It'll be beautiful. You'll be there, with the great love of your life--”

“Victor Nikiforov,” one of Yuuri's classmates supplied, snickering.

Yuuri eyed the girl in shock-- _how did she know?_   He'd been so subtle!  He kept the stickers on the _inside_ covers of his notebooks!

"How--"

"Everyone knows," she told him dryly.  "Everyone.  I don't even know who Victor Nikiforov is, but I know that."

Yuuri's mind blanked.  There were people out there who didn't know that Victor was the single greatest presence on Earth, past or present?  How?  Those poor souls.

Yuuri meant to enlighten her, to inform her that Victor Nikiforov was beautiful and wonderful and brilliant and engaging and the epitome of mankind.  But instead, some heady mix of nerves and adrenaline made him say, “He's the future Victor Katsuki.”

He realized what he'd just said and blanched the moment the words left his mouth.  "I mean--no--I..."

There was a moment of startled silence, and then Phichit cheered. Loudly. Followed by the entire hockey team and half of Yuuri's classmates.  The hockey captain led them all in a rousing chant of "VIC-TOR KAT-SU-KI!  VIC-TOR KAT-SU-KI!" 

Yuuri buried his face in his hands.

 

* * *

 

"I'm actually not sure which of you is worse," Chris told Yuuri, sounding awed.  "I thought Victor had it in the bag, but you just keep surprising me." 

Yuuri groaned.

Victor stood so suddenly his chair skidded back and almost toppled, slammed his hands on the table, and stared at Phichit intently.  “I need a copy of that video,” he said feverishly. “From start to finish. Two copies!  _All the copies._ ”

Yuuri was horrified to see his mother laughing delightedly; at least Mari had the good grace to look properly disgusted.

Phichit smiled, eyes twinkling. “Playing it was my gift to you, Victor. But actually letting this video out into the world...what would my best friend think?”

Yuuri was unimpressed. “Suddenly that matters to you?” he muttered.

“Name your price,” Victor said, with a thin smile and narrowed eyes. He looked disconcertingly predatory, and Yuuri was dismayed to find that he kind of liked it.  A lot.  Very intensely.

Phichit beamed at Victor. “A man after my own heart. Well then. I want your solemn vow to do the following: compliment Yuuri at least once a day, and if he gets really flustered about it, take a picture and post it to Instagram as quickly as you can.”

Yuuri could almost feel his face catching fire.

“Easy,” Victor said, waving a hand dismissively. “I've been doing that for ages. If that's all—”

“Not done!” Phichit said mercilessly. “You will also not be totally weird about him loving me more than you.”

Victor's jaw dropped.

“NO COMMENT,” Yuuri said quickly, before anyone could even ask. “I—uh...”

“Plead the fifth?” Leo supplied helpfully.

“Sure. That.”

“Yuuri!” Victor gasped, betrayed.

Chris whistled, eyebrows raised. “Harsh, Yuuri. I like it.”

“And! Last but not least,” Phichit continued, and Yuuri could tell he was having trouble keeping a straight face as Victor sputtered, “It is now your sacred duty to make sure Yuuri doesn't 'accidentally' delete his Facebook. Again.”

“It _was_ an accident,” Yuuri lied.

“Right. All six times.”

“Seven,” Yuuri corrected him, and then realized he wasn't exactly helping his case.

“I agree to the pictures and the Facebook,” Victor said. “And I'll humor you on the other condition.”

Phichit considered it. “Good enough, I guess,” he allowed.  "I can humor your belief that you're humoring me."

“This is so stupid,” Yurio groaned. “Why is this whole wedding so stupid? And who even cares if Katsudon has a Facebook? Seriously.”

“I actually love Yurio more than either of you,” Yuuri said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look i never once said this fic had a point
> 
> if you do not know the Risky Business dance, there's always YouTube? if you DO know the Risky Business dance, Yuuri does not do the convulsing in his undies bit on ice. Or off ice. Because no.
> 
> Updates might be sporadic for a while; life kind of ambushed me this week. I might deal by ficwriting or I might be absent for a while, tough to tell. I'm very sorry!


End file.
